I am very sorry for your loss. I know this is hard, so I just wanted to leave just a small message of hope. The Bible reassures us that God is pained too, and wants to reunite you with your loved one. In Isaiah 25:8, he promises to "swallow up death forever", and in John 5:28, 29 he promises a large resurrection. I know this hurts still. And I am very sorry for your loss.